


If I Loved You Less

by doctornineandthreequarters



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:48:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24217648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctornineandthreequarters/pseuds/doctornineandthreequarters
Summary: Was he in love with his best friend?And as Eddie glanced over at him and sent another smile and Buck felt his heart nearly burst, he realized yes, yes he was.---Or, 5 times Buck realized he loved Eddie.And the one time Eddie realized.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 433





	If I Loved You Less

1.

They were just sitting on the couch, relaxing before any calls came in. Buck was tossing a ball up and down, rambling about something as Eddie listened, while looking over something from Christopher’s school. Buck paused what he was doing when Eddie got up. 

“I’m getting a coffee,” Eddie said. “Want one?”

“Sure,” Buck said, tossing the ball back up in the air. 

“Three sugars and a dash of milk right?” And Buck just stared at Eddie, shocked that his best friend knew how he preferred his coffee. “Buck?”

“Uh y-yeah, that’s perfect.” Eddie smiled and then headed over to the kitchen. Buck watched him, shock still etched on his face. Eddie knew how he took his coffee. Eddie listened when he rambled about something odd or silly. Eddie invited him over for pizza and movies, even after they’ve already spent twenty four hours at work together. And all of that made his stomach flip. It made him feel a way he hadn’t felt since…

Oh.

_ Oh. _

Was he in love with his best friend?

And as Eddie glanced over at him and sent another smile and Buck felt his heart nearly burst, he realized yes, yes he was. 

Well, that was going to be problematic.

2.

Buck tried to pretend that he wasn’t crushing on his best friend. He tried to pretend that a smile from Eddie didn’t make his heart burst with happiness. Because he couldn’t be in love with his best friend. 

His injury after the bombing distracted him, kept him from focusing on how much his heart pounded when Eddie checked in on him or just offered him support. 

But now, now Eddie was standing in front of him, staring at him with those beautiful brown eyes, telling him that he saved Christopher. He was promising that he wasn’t mad at Buck, that he trusted Buck more than anyone else with Christopher. 

And Buck loved him so much. For trusting him, for being compassionate, and for the gentleness in his eyes. He loved him so damn much and he knew he shouldn’t. And that made it so much harder.

3.

Eddie was still pissed at him. That much was obvious. Buck was back at work and Eddie still hated him. Chimney had forgiven him (though he was sure he had Maddie to thank for that) and Hen was wonderful as always. Bobby was going to be a different story and Buck knew he had to earn his Captain’s trust back. But it hurt the most that Eddie hated him. He kept hearing his words at the grocery store, seeing the venom in his eyes. 

_ You’re exhausting _ . 

And yet Buck still loved him, because he knew Eddie was right. And if Eddie would just give him a chance to apologize and admit how wrong he was, then everything would be okay and go back to normal (well as normal as them being best friends even though Buck was hopelessly in love with him).

And then Eddie was talking to him, frustration in his eyes, and a tightness to his voice. 

“Did you ever stop to think about what that would do to us?” And Buck felt his heart jump. It wasn’t really what he meant; Buck knew he meant us as in the department, the 118. But god, Buck wished ‘us’ meant the two of them, that there was more than they once had. So he just kept talking, trying to explain and listening to Eddie call him out. 

And then Eddie was forgiving him and Buck thought his heart would explode. And when he stuck his hand out, it was all Buck could to keep his composure as he hugged Eddie. He just wanted to hug Eddie forever, making up for the moments he missed.

But then Eddie was pulling away and Bobby was speaking to him. Buck tried to focus on Bobby and not watching Eddie as he walked away and definitely ignoring the way his heart was slamming against his chest thinking about that hug. 

4.

Buck didn’t mean to bring up the street fighting. He figured Eddie would talk about it when he was ready. But it seemed to connect and he felt guilty. If he hadn’t been so selfish, maybe he could’ve been there for Eddie, helped him out. But instead, he had missed so much. He felt like apologizing over and over again, even though Eddie kept telling him it was fine. 

Apologizing was easier than thinking about Eddie fighting someone, or how that thought was way hotter than it should’ve been. 

He could just imagine the sweat dripping down Eddie’s very toned body, cascading between each very well defined on his body. Just thinking about that made his body warm beyond comparison. How he would love to press against Eddie’s body and…

Nope.

He could not think like that. Eddie was his best friend who had just forgiven him. He could not screw that up by thinking about how stupidly hot Eddie was. And yet he found himself drifting towards Eddie, playfully joking that he could take Eddie in a fight. He had to grab his belt buckle just to make it seem like he was being macho and not disgustingly flirty. And yet Eddie was smirking at him, a playful twinkle in his eyes. 

God, he could kiss him right then and there. 

But he couldn’t. Because Eddie was his best friend and definitely not in love with him. God, who could love him? He was a total mess and needed to be grateful that Eddie was even willing to be his friend after everything he did. 

So, he just smiled when Eddie nodded back towards the video games and where Christopher was waiting. 

That was going to have to be enough for Buck. He couldn’t expect anymore from Eddie.

5\. 

They were sitting on the couch in Eddie’s house. Christopher had been gone for all of twenty minutes before Eddie called Buck, complaining he already missed his son and hated how quiet the house was. So Buck, of course, came over, bearing pizza and beer. Eddie must have been so focused on talking about how much he already missed Christopher because he hadn’t noticed how quiet Buck was being. 

Buck certainly hoped Eddie didn’t notice. Because if he did notice and ask, Buck might say something he regretted. 

He had been thinking about Eddie a lot lately. Abby coming back engaged with barely an apology as to why she left him had hurt, but not nearly as much as he expected. He had realized that it hurt less because he had long since moved onto from Abby. Who needed to cry over a woman who couldn’t love him when he had Eddie? But Eddie didn’t love him, at least not in the way Buck loved him. 

Buck loved Eddie so much it hurt. He was always there for him. Right after the ambulance had driven off, with Abby and Sam inside, Eddie was right there, asking if he was okay. Or he was goofing off in a photo booth with Buck or letting him run around May’s graduation party with Christopher. And all of that made Buck love him with every fiber of his being. 

“You okay?” Buck realized Eddie had stopped talking and was staring at him. God, he loved those beautiful brown eyes. How they could be so observant and caring at the same time. How they seemed to twinkle when Eddie laughed or when he looked at Christopher.

And those eyes were watching him, waiting for a response. 

“I’m f-fine,” Buck stuttered out. Eddie raised an eyebrow at that. Buck huffed and stood up, picking up the two empty beer bottles in front of them. He moved towards the kitchen. 

“Why don’t I believe you?” Buck could hear Eddie’s footsteps behind him. He reached the sink, but kept his back to Eddie. “You’re not thinking about Abby again, are you?” Buck could almost laugh. He doubted he’d ever think about Abby again with Eddie Diaz in his life.

“No.” Because that was the easiest thing he could say. Because everything in his body was screaming at him to tell Eddie, to confess everything. But he couldn’t lose Eddie. 

“Then what the heck is going on with you?” Buck squeezed his eyes shut, trying to fight down the urge to just lay it all out there. “Buck, you can talk to me. About anything.”

“Okay but I can’t,” Buck said, spinning around. He felt his heart jump into his chest. “I can’t talk to you about this because…”

“Because what, Buck?”

“Because it’ll ruin everything!” Eddie just looked confused and Buck huffed in frustration. “I can’t talk to you about this because it hurts too much. I can’t talk to you about this because it would ruin our friendship and I can’t lose you or Chris. This hurts but I’m fine with it because I need you in my life and I would never jeopardize that. I would never jeopardize our friendship just because I’m stupid enough to be in love with you.”

“You’re in love with me?” Buck hadn’t even realized it tumbled out, but when Eddie repeated it back to him, Buck felt his blood run cold. Even without trying, he had managed to ruin everything. Eddie was going to hate him and kick him out of his life. “Buck…”

“Forget it.” Buck could feel his vision blurring with tears, realizing how badly he had screwed up. He had to get out of there. He had to leave before Eddie kicked him out of his house and his life.

So Buck turned and ran.

+1

Buck had been acting weird all night. Here Eddie was, going on about how much he missed Christopher and Buck was silent. He was expecting Buck to commiserate with him and admit he missed Christopher just as much. But the younger man was eerily silent. 

So, he pried. What he didn’t expect was for Buck to confess he was in love with him.

All of Buck’s words were still spinning in his head as Buck ran out of his house. He didn’t know what to think. Buck was his best friend. He trusted Buck more than anyone in the world. And Buck was always there for him. Bringing Carla into his life to help with Christopher. Picking up Christopher from school when no one else could. Helping make breakfast because Eddie was a nightmare in the kitchen. Watching the same movie over and over with them because Christopher loved it. Coming over to his house because Eddie already missed his son and didn’t want to be alone. 

Oh.

_ Oh _ . 

Eddie tore out of the house after Buck. He bounded down the stairs and caught Buck’s arm just as he was opening the door to his car. 

“Eddie,” Buck seemed startled that Eddie had followed his outside. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have…”

“Shut up.” And then Eddie grabbed his face and kissed him.

Eddie was sure his heart was going to beat right out of his chest. How had he never seen this before? Buck was always there when he needed him. He made him smile, made him laugh, and just all around made him happy. How could he not have known?

Buck was frozen at first, maybe surprised that Eddie was kissing him. And then he melted into it, his hands grasping at Eddie’s waist, pulling Eddie closer to him. Eddie smiled into the kiss, feeling truly happy in that moment. 

When he pulled away, he rested his forehead against Buck’s. When he looked up at Buck’s wonderfully, perfect blue eyes, he could see Buck was crying. 

“I thought,” Buck started, tears slipping down his cheeks. “I thought you were going to kick me out of your life.”

“Never,” Eddie promised. “I can’t imagine my life without you.” Buck laughed out of relief and kissed Eddie again. “I love you too. I’m just sorry it took me so long to realize.”

“Better late than never.” Eddie chuckled at that and kissed Buck again, reminding himself he could kiss Buck as much as he wanted now. 

“Come back inside?” Eddie asked. “We can talk. Or not talk, depending on how you’re feeling.” Buck nodded and Eddie smiled. Eddie then took Buck’s hand and led him back inside. 

Buck loved him and it was the best feeling in the world because he loved Buck right back.


End file.
